I think I am kind of doing a little better. Monday and went real good. Tuesday didn’t and today was okay. It was a late start day. My Dad is pissed at me. I’m getting so tired of him. I feel like I am living his life. He says “You mush get all A’s.” He wants me to be this happy perfect person and I’m not. I don’t know how to be and I don’t know if that is what I want. I know that I would hate to be perfect, but to be happy? I’m afraid. I don’t know what it will be like. To not have this empty pain inside me. I hate trying to pretend that I belong to a happy family when I feel so detached. I feel like I really don’t belong. I know that my dad wants me here. I want to be here but I’m just different I DON’T BELONG!!! I will try to pretend like I do. 

I’m not like them but I can pretend - Nirvana

Wow those words not have a different meaning.

I yelled at my dad in the car today. He said that I should be normal. I yelled, “Do you think girls who have sticks rammed up inside them are NORMAL?”

Yesterday (Tuesday), I did really good for a while. In 2^nd hour I was talking to this girl who was also sexually abused. I started having small flashbacks. Third hour they got worse. I went to Elizabeth’s office but she was leaving so I went to the nurse’s office. I stayed there until lunchtime. I don’t really remember lunch. I talked to Mr. Dehaas. Then I was walking out the front door of school with my dad.

I fucked up! Yet again, and I didn’t have any control of it either. My dad said that I disassociated “really bad” 4 yr. Old. He said that I had blue clay and that my hands turned blue so I said I was a smurf.

My dad wants to find something medically wrong with me. Drugs? Diabetes? He doesn’t understand how someone could be one person one minuet and another the next. He’s trying to put some logic into why I am like I am. I am crazy what does that mean? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Well that’s what happens in all sports. In speech meets. It happens everyday. Crazy for me means…