I think I am kind of doing a little better. Monday and went real good. Tuesday didn’t and today was okay. It was a late start day. My Dad is pissed at me. I’m getting so tired of him. I feel like I am living his life. He says “You mush get all A’s.” He wants me to be this happy perfect person and I’m not. I don’t know how to be and I don’t know if that is what I want. I know that I would hate to be perfect, but to be happy? I’m afraid. I don’t know what it will be like. To not have this empty pain inside me. I hate trying to pretend that I belong to a happy family when I feel so detached. I feel like I really don’t belong. I know that my dad wants me here. I want to be here but I’m just different I DON’T BELONG!!! I will try to pretend like I do. 

I’m not like them but I can pretend - Nirvana

Wow those words not have a different meaning.

I yelled at my dad in the car today. He said that I should be normal. I yelled, “Do you think girls who have sticks rammed up inside them are NORMAL?”

Yesterday (Tuesday), I did really good for a while. In 2^nd hour I was talking to this girl who was also sexually abused. I started having small flashbacks. Third hour they got worse. I went to Elizabeth’s office but she was leaving so I went to the nurse’s office. I stayed there until lunchtime. I don’t really remember lunch. I talked to Mr. Dehaas. Then I was walking out the front door of school with my dad.

I fucked up! Yet again, and I didn’t have any control of it either. My dad said that I disassociated “really bad” 4 yr. Old. He said that I had blue clay and that my hands turned blue so I said I was a smurf.

My dad wants to find something medically wrong with me. Drugs? Diabetes? He doesn’t understand how someone could be one person one minuet and another the next. He’s trying to put some logic into why I am like I am. I am crazy what does that mean? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Well that’s what happens in all sports. In speech meets. It happens everyday. Crazy for me means…

I think that my journey down the dark never ending spiral has subsided… for a little while anyways. Maybe I’m getting better. Or maybe not.

Wednesday

There was this really scary man. I was walking down the hallway trying to keep up with Mitch and right outside Mr. Farland’s door. He was holding the door open though it wasn’t his room. HE was standing there yelling down the hallway with this deep authoritive voice. I got goose bumps hearing him I wanted to run. I told Mitch to tell him to go away The creepy man just laughed. I had stopped in the hallway waiting for him to hurt me. Sarah K. came up behind me and grabbed my arm. She wanted me to walk by him. I told her that he was scary. When we went by he said, “You’re scared?” HA HA HA! He kept laughing like a crazed crack addict. Sarah K. even said she was scared.

I came home played with the goats and went to bed. Yeah it was really early but I just wanted to escape.

Thursday

I went to talk to Tom Hazel. He is supposedly the school “psychologist.” HE is having a meeting with all the school people, my Dad, and Margaret. I knew that they wanted to put me in options so I went to talk to him. It was a really good talk considering the last time I talked to him I was cowering in a corner. He said he is not going to put me in options (Alternative School) YET! That is not going to stop my panic attacks, it not going to stop my layerization. It’s not even going to help it at all. The only thing that options will do is cut me off from the few friends and staff I feel safe around. I’ve done this before! You sit in a room and do this monotonous ‘work’ on a fucked up computer! I not doing it! If they do I will change schools. And if none of the schools let me in … I might just give up… Then I would just prove to them that I did need to go to options. But it would be THE END of my MISERY.

Friday

I went to bed at 4:30 p.m.

Saturday

I saw Margaret. I got a movie. I got some stuff at Target. I went to bed.

Sunday

I got up early, which is really odd for me. When I have nightmares I usually roll around in bed petting my cat or counting the bumps on my ceiling (which is quite inevitable). Not much happened I spent most of the day mowing the lawn. I started at about 11 and just got done at 6.

So my life is getting better. Or at least not as dramatic.

2-28-05

Another bad dream. There is a crazy guy next door. He lives in the woods. In my dream I was walking out to the bus stop in the dark. And I saw the lights on his truck. He ran over the fence with his truck and started running after me. I tried to run and fell I couldn’t move because I was so terrified. I ran towards the house screaming. I woke myself up screaming this muffled sleep scream. My cat Toppie was looking at me like I was a freak.

Today in 5^th hour I got my junior mints. I was really obnoxious because I haven’t talked for two days. I left class to go to the bathroom. Marshell came with me because I need a babysitter to be in the halls now. I was just skipping around singing These are a Few of My Favorite Things of on The Sound of Music. I was dancing with random guys. I was actually having a really good day. I’ve been doing really good the last few days. I haven’t cut myself in five days. I wanted to last night but I really tried and I stopped myself. I’m really fucking proud of myself.

I went to group tonight. Sexual Assault Support Group. There is this girl named Sarah the goes there. I really like her. She goes so Hudson Bay. I went shopping with her tonight. It was fun. She got almost nothing. She was so weird about trying on clothes in the same little room. I told her to “shut up and get in here.” She’s cute but she has only gone 22 days without drugs. And I have a really bad drug history, so I couldn’t really do anything with her. But she’s still cute.

Well that was my day. Goodnight.

I got my Junior Research Project done. Finally! My Grammy called today. She lived through WWII. She didn’t say much but she was like ten I would have thought she would remember something. My Project was about Rosie the Riveter and the effects that women played during WWII. My Uncle Jeff also called. He said that my Uncle Tim has moved back from Kentucky. I’m glad to know that he got over his mid-life crisis. My own father, sad to say, never did.

I don’t like Louise. She not my step-mom yet so technically I don’t have to hate her but it’s really close. I think she is rather mean. Maybe it’s just my twisted mind that twists thing around but I really think she is making fun of paranoia. Father yelling at people who built this house. They are not here. They have moved. He’s yelling to no one. I pat him on the shoulder and calmly say ‘They can’t here you’ He whines to Louise: ‘Louise, my daughter is giving me rational advice.’

‘Hmm... We should remember that the next time she thinks people are after her.’ She says. Other examples too. But maybe I should go to bed. Maybe I should just die. Take exit 27 off of I 205 Headed towards Camas. You pass over 205 on a bridge. JUMP!!! into the heavey flow of traffic. Who knows what will kill me hitting the cement or being hit by a car. Maybe both.

 ‘Internet? I ask ‘Do you want to burn in hell for the rest of eternity?’ Father says ‘Yes, It’s much better that Heaven’ ‘I think.’ He agrees

- 6. Losing my Religion "Just a Dream Just a Dream"

2-26-05

Another bad dream when will they stop. In this one I called Louise a Fucking Bitch and a whore. Then I was in the Hospital. Acute unit at BHC. Elizabeth was my therapist. A new girl came in and beat up another girl. I was next. Then I had to go to the Doctor’s office. He’s there with the Indian corn. He says it will fix me right up. I cry.

Margaret: I have decided to do the breathing stuff.

I’m half way done with my junior research project. I listening to REM My new favorite song is Losing My Religion only for five words It was Just a Dream. Someday life will get better. I hope…

But really, today has been unusually good for me. Tomorrow I am going thrift store shopping. Probably the only time I really enjoy shopping.

            Good night.

2-25-05

Mitch said this morning that I have to be quite all during 5^th again before I get my junior mints. That’s not fair. But I did it anyways.

I took like three tests.

I am doing what Margaret said with the Chinese finger thingy. H O M E. Who lives here? Sammi, Louise, and Dad.

I get to do a really fun project for psyc. Op art! More use of my sick creativity.

So this is the New Year. School. 2^nd hour. Threw books. Serena helped. CUT leg. Talked to Margaret. I really like her. Therapist. 6^th hour. Crazy bitch says bastard. Stop. HE’S COMING. Hall. Lady. Johnson. Anderson. RUN. They will take me to him. Elizabeth Henderson. Run. Stop. Talk.

Cigarette. Kaylee. Transit Center. Dad. Shop. Carla. Home. Bangs. Write. Bed.